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Weird‘The Bachelor’ Bios: Everything You Need To Know About ‘The Bachelor’ Contestants 2018
By Alexis Rhiannon
@mindtheclam
Published
Jan. 1, 2018, 8:00 p.m. ET
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These are the twenty-nine women who are Most Likely To Wish That Peter Kraus Was The Bachelor.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Ali
MOST LIKELY TO: Be A Serial Killer
DEFINING FEATURES: The only thing that jumps out from the average of all Tinder profiles that is Ali's bio is the fact that her guilty pleasure is listening to Nickelback. And since the only possible reason for unironically loving and listening to Nickleback is a simultaneous penchant for serial killing, it's clear that that's how the 27-year-old Oklahoman spends her time when she isn't personal styling.
MOST LIKELY TO: Be A Serial Killer
DEFINING FEATURES: The only thing that jumps out from the average of all Tinder profiles that is Ali's bio is the fact that her guilty pleasure is listening to Nickelback. And since the only possible reason for unironically loving and listening to Nickleback is a simultaneous penchant for serial killing, it's clear that that's how the 27-year-old Oklahoman spends her time when she isn't personal styling.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Amber
MOST LIKELY TO: Actually Be Becca Tilley
DEFINING FEATURES: I'd love to tell you that Amber is a 29-year-old business owner from Colorado, but that would be disingenuous, because this is clearly a photo of Becca Tilley. Becca first appeared on Chris Soules' season, where she made it up to runner up status, before returning the next season to pursue Ben Higgins. She sat out Nick Viall's season and now, clearly, she's back under an assumed name to try to make it happen with Arie without having to take the heat for a third go-around in the reality TV spotlight. Alternately, this could be an entirely different woman who just looks remarkably similar to Becca, but that hypothesis feels like a bit of a reach.
MOST LIKELY TO: Actually Be Becca Tilley
DEFINING FEATURES: I'd love to tell you that Amber is a 29-year-old business owner from Colorado, but that would be disingenuous, because this is clearly a photo of Becca Tilley. Becca first appeared on Chris Soules' season, where she made it up to runner up status, before returning the next season to pursue Ben Higgins. She sat out Nick Viall's season and now, clearly, she's back under an assumed name to try to make it happen with Arie without having to take the heat for a third go-around in the reality TV spotlight. Alternately, this could be an entirely different woman who just looks remarkably similar to Becca, but that hypothesis feels like a bit of a reach.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Annaliese
MOST LIKELY TO: Be The Bachelorette
DEFINING FEATURES: This event designer from California is over thirty and seems sharp as a tack, so Arie is sure to send her packing right away. The good news is, she's ideally suited to helm a season of her own. We're talking well-rounded interests that stretch from Bachelor standbys like Disney princesses to Futurama, which I've never seen in a contestant bio before, strong female role models that include Chrissy Teigen and Tracee Ellis Ross, and talking points on marriage that are already rock-solid. "A partnership, a best friend, someone who makes you your best self, who will be a great parent and someone who will always be there for you through thick and thin." Let's get this gal a photoshoot surrounded by cascading rose petals stat.
MOST LIKELY TO: Be The Bachelorette
DEFINING FEATURES: This event designer from California is over thirty and seems sharp as a tack, so Arie is sure to send her packing right away. The good news is, she's ideally suited to helm a season of her own. We're talking well-rounded interests that stretch from Bachelor standbys like Disney princesses to Futurama, which I've never seen in a contestant bio before, strong female role models that include Chrissy Teigen and Tracee Ellis Ross, and talking points on marriage that are already rock-solid. "A partnership, a best friend, someone who makes you your best self, who will be a great parent and someone who will always be there for you through thick and thin." Let's get this gal a photoshoot surrounded by cascading rose petals stat.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Ashley
MOST LIKELY TO: Refuse To Move Out Of The Mansion
DEFINING FEATURES: The 25-year-old real estate agent has her life together in a lot of ways, except that part where you wash, fold, and put away your laundry without it taking more than a week. She also cites two of the things she can't live without as a hair straightener and cute clothes, which are basically the twin mascots of the sorority house that is the Bachelor Mansion. Being surrounded by other women on vacation from their lives whose only job is to dress up for dates once a week? That sounds right up her alley, so don't be surprised if she elects to stay home and chill by the pool when everyone else gets whisked away to whatever Slavic destination paid production more this year.
MOST LIKELY TO: Refuse To Move Out Of The Mansion
DEFINING FEATURES: The 25-year-old real estate agent has her life together in a lot of ways, except that part where you wash, fold, and put away your laundry without it taking more than a week. She also cites two of the things she can't live without as a hair straightener and cute clothes, which are basically the twin mascots of the sorority house that is the Bachelor Mansion. Being surrounded by other women on vacation from their lives whose only job is to dress up for dates once a week? That sounds right up her alley, so don't be surprised if she elects to stay home and chill by the pool when everyone else gets whisked away to whatever Slavic destination paid production more this year.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Becca K.
MOST LIKELY TO: Freeze In The Driveway The Moment The Limo Headlights Hit Her
DEFINING FEATURES: Please be advised that while this 27-year-old publicist is smiling, the headlights of the limousine she just stepped out of have brought her pupils to full dilation, and she will stand unmoving in the driveway until that dilation goes down. Do not attempt to nudge the Minnesota native toward the Bachelor, or to snap her out of it; merely treat her as you would any other deer, and divert the light source so that the temporary blindness passes. In moments, she will revert to her very friendly and capable self, and get back to trying to earn that rose.
MOST LIKELY TO: Freeze In The Driveway The Moment The Limo Headlights Hit Her
DEFINING FEATURES: Please be advised that while this 27-year-old publicist is smiling, the headlights of the limousine she just stepped out of have brought her pupils to full dilation, and she will stand unmoving in the driveway until that dilation goes down. Do not attempt to nudge the Minnesota native toward the Bachelor, or to snap her out of it; merely treat her as you would any other deer, and divert the light source so that the temporary blindness passes. In moments, she will revert to her very friendly and capable self, and get back to trying to earn that rose.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Bekah M.
MOST LIKELY TO: Be An Ageless Forest Nymph
DEFINING FEATURES: If you thought for one second that it escaped my attention that Bekah is the only person on this list without an age in her bio, you better think again. The occupation for this Californian is listed as nanny, but I think it's clear from her haircut, lack of age, and general demeanor that she is a sprite of the Redwoods who drinks dewdrops and knits spider webs.
MOST LIKELY TO: Be An Ageless Forest Nymph
DEFINING FEATURES: If you thought for one second that it escaped my attention that Bekah is the only person on this list without an age in her bio, you better think again. The occupation for this Californian is listed as nanny, but I think it's clear from her haircut, lack of age, and general demeanor that she is a sprite of the Redwoods who drinks dewdrops and knits spider webs.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Bibiana
MOST LIKELY TO: Talk Shit Behind The Scenes
DEFINING FEATURES: Maybe don't mess with Bibiana. The 30-year-old executive assistant has no issue speaking her mind -- criticizing a tattoo that's on her own body, calling out her pimple-popping habit as "gross," and even admitting that she "secretly hated the games" while a co-captain of the Miami Dolphins cheerleading squad. (Which, to my limited understanding, is sort of supposed to be the football fan club? What is sport?) I don't see Bibiana letting anything slide in the house, so good luck being co-captains of the Arie cheerleading squad with her! I have a sneaking suspicion that her hatred of those games isn't gonna be quite so secret.
MOST LIKELY TO: Talk Shit Behind The Scenes
DEFINING FEATURES: Maybe don't mess with Bibiana. The 30-year-old executive assistant has no issue speaking her mind -- criticizing a tattoo that's on her own body, calling out her pimple-popping habit as "gross," and even admitting that she "secretly hated the games" while a co-captain of the Miami Dolphins cheerleading squad. (Which, to my limited understanding, is sort of supposed to be the football fan club? What is sport?) I don't see Bibiana letting anything slide in the house, so good luck being co-captains of the Arie cheerleading squad with her! I have a sneaking suspicion that her hatred of those games isn't gonna be quite so secret.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Bri
MOST LIKELY TO: Bring Her Vision Board To Set
DEFINING FEATURES: Up until about halfway through her profile, I was scoffing at this 25-year-old sports reporter from Oregon. She was talking about buying a round of shots for Barack Obama, Audrey Hepburn, and her own grandma, and saying that she thinks she would've made a good NFL quarterback. Okay, girl. But then I hit the part where she shares that she has a dang EMMY, presumably for sports reporting, and now I'm slinking away with my tail between my legs, prepared to see a statement that Bri was spotted with the ghost of Audrey Hepburn, throwing back Fireball to celebrate her first-round draft pick. If you believe it, you can achieve it -- come through with that vision board.
MOST LIKELY TO: Bring Her Vision Board To Set
DEFINING FEATURES: Up until about halfway through her profile, I was scoffing at this 25-year-old sports reporter from Oregon. She was talking about buying a round of shots for Barack Obama, Audrey Hepburn, and her own grandma, and saying that she thinks she would've made a good NFL quarterback. Okay, girl. But then I hit the part where she shares that she has a dang EMMY, presumably for sports reporting, and now I'm slinking away with my tail between my legs, prepared to see a statement that Bri was spotted with the ghost of Audrey Hepburn, throwing back Fireball to celebrate her first-round draft pick. If you believe it, you can achieve it -- come through with that vision board.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Brittane J.
MOST LIKELY TO: Set The Bar Way Too Low
DEFINING FEATURES: Somebody needs to pull this 27-year-old marketing manager aside to remind her about how much she's bringing to the table, because babygirl is scaring me with how low she can go. The San Diego native says she is "impressed by the smallest romantic gestures" and gushes that marriage is "extremely important" to her and that her "life would be complete with being married with a family." Hey Brittane, I wanna encourage you to raise that bar. The man you're being offered here drives a car for a living, doesn't plan his own dates, and producers pick up the tab. He'll be ready to propose in six weeks or less, sure, but you'll have to share him with 28 other women in the meantime, and your lives will change drastically literally the moment he gets down on one knee. Doesn't sound so great, rig -- oh, you're already signing up, you're putting your signature right there on the line. Okie dokie, see you on the other side.
MOST LIKELY TO: Set The Bar Way Too Low
DEFINING FEATURES: Somebody needs to pull this 27-year-old marketing manager aside to remind her about how much she's bringing to the table, because babygirl is scaring me with how low she can go. The San Diego native says she is "impressed by the smallest romantic gestures" and gushes that marriage is "extremely important" to her and that her "life would be complete with being married with a family." Hey Brittane, I wanna encourage you to raise that bar. The man you're being offered here drives a car for a living, doesn't plan his own dates, and producers pick up the tab. He'll be ready to propose in six weeks or less, sure, but you'll have to share him with 28 other women in the meantime, and your lives will change drastically literally the moment he gets down on one knee. Doesn't sound so great, rig -- oh, you're already signing up, you're putting your signature right there on the line. Okie dokie, see you on the other side.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Brittany T.
MOST LIKELY TO: Blow Up Arie's Spot In The Media
DEFINING FEATURES: The 30-year-old South Carolinian describes the past two guys she's met on dating apps as "terrible human beings," so I can't see her having a problem going to the press if Arie acts wrong. She also has a pretty solid fantasy lunch set up, with fellow badass women Beyoncé and Hillary Clinton, and is a tech recruiter, so you know she has experience holding her own with smug douchelords. (Fun fact! Did you know that "Luyendyk" is Dutch for "douchelord?" I'm allowed to say that, because I'm Dutch.) Morning shows, clear this queen a spot in your schedules, and Arie, you better sleep with one eye open, because Brittany T. is not here to play.
MOST LIKELY TO: Blow Up Arie's Spot In The Media
DEFINING FEATURES: The 30-year-old South Carolinian describes the past two guys she's met on dating apps as "terrible human beings," so I can't see her having a problem going to the press if Arie acts wrong. She also has a pretty solid fantasy lunch set up, with fellow badass women Beyoncé and Hillary Clinton, and is a tech recruiter, so you know she has experience holding her own with smug douchelords. (Fun fact! Did you know that "Luyendyk" is Dutch for "douchelord?" I'm allowed to say that, because I'm Dutch.) Morning shows, clear this queen a spot in your schedules, and Arie, you better sleep with one eye open, because Brittany T. is not here to play.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Caroline
MOST LIKELY TO: Pop The Question Before She's Even Inside
DEFINING FEATURES: Caroline is a 26-year-old realtor from Massachusetts who says she has a plant with a name and is just waiting to get a dog until she has a significant other she can co-parent with. Those are some pretty compelling reasons to partner up pronto, so expect an early proposal. Maybe through the limo's moon roof before she even sets foot in the driveway??
MOST LIKELY TO: Pop The Question Before She's Even Inside
DEFINING FEATURES: Caroline is a 26-year-old realtor from Massachusetts who says she has a plant with a name and is just waiting to get a dog until she has a significant other she can co-parent with. Those are some pretty compelling reasons to partner up pronto, so expect an early proposal. Maybe through the limo's moon roof before she even sets foot in the driveway??
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Chelsea
MOST LIKELY TO: Leave Before We Learn Her Name
DEFINING FEATURES: I don't often say this, but there was so little to distinguish this 29-year-old real estate executive assistant that I hope she goes home early enough that I don't have to attempt to emotionally invest in her. Her tattoos are wavy lines, her favorite city is Paris, and even her idea of the perfect day is bland: "My ideal weather would be mid-70's sunny, with a slight breeze. Life is less complicated when neutral. Happy medium." Sorry, what did she say? I fell asleep.
MOST LIKELY TO: Leave Before We Learn Her Name
DEFINING FEATURES: I don't often say this, but there was so little to distinguish this 29-year-old real estate executive assistant that I hope she goes home early enough that I don't have to attempt to emotionally invest in her. Her tattoos are wavy lines, her favorite city is Paris, and even her idea of the perfect day is bland: "My ideal weather would be mid-70's sunny, with a slight breeze. Life is less complicated when neutral. Happy medium." Sorry, what did she say? I fell asleep.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Jacqueline
MOST LIKELY TO: Be Way Too Good For This Bullshit
DEFINING FEATURES: Um, hello, earth to Jacqueline. You are a 26-year-old research coordinator going for your PhD in chemical psychology with a dream of starting an animal rescue facility if you ever come into money. Your (questionable) idea of a fun lunch is having antipasta and cocktails with David Foster Wallace, Julius Caesar, and Thomas Jefferson. Antipasta and cocktails.You have beautiful chestnut curls with body, and a knowing smirk. Run, don't walk off the Bachelor set and into the arms/wet dreams of some pretentious nerd who isn't Arie Luyendyk.
MOST LIKELY TO: Be Way Too Good For This Bullshit
DEFINING FEATURES: Um, hello, earth to Jacqueline. You are a 26-year-old research coordinator going for your PhD in chemical psychology with a dream of starting an animal rescue facility if you ever come into money. Your (questionable) idea of a fun lunch is having antipasta and cocktails with David Foster Wallace, Julius Caesar, and Thomas Jefferson. Antipasta and cocktails.You have beautiful chestnut curls with body, and a knowing smirk. Run, don't walk off the Bachelor set and into the arms/wet dreams of some pretentious nerd who isn't Arie Luyendyk.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Jenna
MOST LIKELY TO: Cut Your Bachelorette Party Short With A Trip To The Hospital
DEFINING FEATURES: I hope you weren't planning on hitting a strip club after dinner, because according to her own lil anecdote, this 28-year-old social media manager is the type of gal who breaks her wrist falling off a mechanical bull, and we're gonna need to go to the hospital.
MOST LIKELY TO: Cut Your Bachelorette Party Short With A Trip To The Hospital
DEFINING FEATURES: I hope you weren't planning on hitting a strip club after dinner, because according to her own lil anecdote, this 28-year-old social media manager is the type of gal who breaks her wrist falling off a mechanical bull, and we're gonna need to go to the hospital.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Jenny
MOST LIKELY TO: Be A Set Of Identical Twins Switching Off
DEFINING FEATURES: This 25-year-old claims to be one graphic designer from Illinois, but based on the stark division between her interests, I'm fairly confident that she's actually two identical twin sisters switching off. One of them, let's call her Annie, is a homebody who loves romcoms and "lying in bed all day, watching reality TV and eating pizza." The other, let's call her Hallie, is an adventurous sort who has skydiving on her bucket list and says of camping, "Curling up in blankets in a tent after a day of fishing, hiking, and beer is one of my favorite things." I'm on to you, girls, and I will send you off to boarding school!
MOST LIKELY TO: Be A Set Of Identical Twins Switching Off
DEFINING FEATURES: This 25-year-old claims to be one graphic designer from Illinois, but based on the stark division between her interests, I'm fairly confident that she's actually two identical twin sisters switching off. One of them, let's call her Annie, is a homebody who loves romcoms and "lying in bed all day, watching reality TV and eating pizza." The other, let's call her Hallie, is an adventurous sort who has skydiving on her bucket list and says of camping, "Curling up in blankets in a tent after a day of fishing, hiking, and beer is one of my favorite things." I'm on to you, girls, and I will send you off to boarding school!
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Jessica
MOST LIKELY TO: Be Here For The #WrongReasons
DEFINING FEATURES: They may not have heard of the phrase in Canada, where Jessica is from, but the 26-year-old is a strong candidate for the #wrongreasons label. Her listed career is literally "TV host," she says she's drawn to the "glitz and glam lifestyle of L.A.," and she's rocking an Olivia Caridi smile. Her motives are getting questioned by the other contestants in 3...2...1...
MOST LIKELY TO: Be Here For The #WrongReasons
DEFINING FEATURES: They may not have heard of the phrase in Canada, where Jessica is from, but the 26-year-old is a strong candidate for the #wrongreasons label. Her listed career is literally "TV host," she says she's drawn to the "glitz and glam lifestyle of L.A.," and she's rocking an Olivia Caridi smile. Her motives are getting questioned by the other contestants in 3...2...1...
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Kendall
MOST LIKELY TO: Be Rich As Hell
DEFINING FEATURES: Hello, greetings. Kendall is already a creative director at age 26 and when asked about the most outrageous thing she's ever done, says this: "I once drove a car off of a ramp and through the caboose of a moving train. No lie." DROVE A CAR. OFF A RAMP. AND THROUGH THE CABOOSE OF A MOVING TRAIN. Oh and what was the most romantic present she's ever received? "An alligator hand holding an iron heart in a jar!" from an ex. Because she collects taxidermy! This girl sleeps in a bathtub of money like Scrooge McDuck, or I'll eat my hat.
MOST LIKELY TO: Be Rich As Hell
DEFINING FEATURES: Hello, greetings. Kendall is already a creative director at age 26 and when asked about the most outrageous thing she's ever done, says this: "I once drove a car off of a ramp and through the caboose of a moving train. No lie." DROVE A CAR. OFF A RAMP. AND THROUGH THE CABOOSE OF A MOVING TRAIN. Oh and what was the most romantic present she's ever received? "An alligator hand holding an iron heart in a jar!" from an ex. Because she collects taxidermy! This girl sleeps in a bathtub of money like Scrooge McDuck, or I'll eat my hat.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Krystal
MOST LIKELY TO: Invite You To Invest In Her Pyramid Scheme
DEFINING FEATURES: Finally, some CAPS in a bio. Krystal is a 29-year-old fitness coach from Montana, and she LOVES her job. (Emphasis hers.) If she could be any animal, she would choose "unicorn because those who believe in magic will find it," a sentence that will make sense only to those who purchase a decoder ring. It's just five easy payments of $15.99, and then you and the 300 friends you get to sign up will make money forever and find your PURPOSE, god bless!!! Look for her emoji-filled email blast later today.
MOST LIKELY TO: Invite You To Invest In Her Pyramid Scheme
DEFINING FEATURES: Finally, some CAPS in a bio. Krystal is a 29-year-old fitness coach from Montana, and she LOVES her job. (Emphasis hers.) If she could be any animal, she would choose "unicorn because those who believe in magic will find it," a sentence that will make sense only to those who purchase a decoder ring. It's just five easy payments of $15.99, and then you and the 300 friends you get to sign up will make money forever and find your PURPOSE, god bless!!! Look for her emoji-filled email blast later today.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Lauren B.
MOST LIKELY TO: Be A Producer Plant
DEFINING FEATURES: We're kind of scraping the bottom of the barrel with Arie, here, so producers probably wanted to take no chances that he'd wrap his season without an engagement. With that in mind, they cast Lauren B., a 25-year-old tech salesperson with the same name, last initial, age, and hair color as a previous winner. (Ben Higgins' former fiancée Lauren Bushnell.) She she wants to be a Disney princess, loves Taylor Swift, and is an eminently safe bet in a season that's anything but.
MOST LIKELY TO: Be A Producer Plant
DEFINING FEATURES: We're kind of scraping the bottom of the barrel with Arie, here, so producers probably wanted to take no chances that he'd wrap his season without an engagement. With that in mind, they cast Lauren B., a 25-year-old tech salesperson with the same name, last initial, age, and hair color as a previous winner. (Ben Higgins' former fiancée Lauren Bushnell.) She she wants to be a Disney princess, loves Taylor Swift, and is an eminently safe bet in a season that's anything but.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Lauren G.
MOST LIKELY TO: Get Kicked Off The Show
DEFINING FEATURES: It's a good thing they stocked up on Laurens this time around, because a few of these Fourens (the Four Laurens) aren't well-suited at all for this show. This 26-year-old executive recruiter from Indiana says she doesn't believe in fairytales -- fetch me my smelling salts!! -- and fails to obediently chirp out, "The Bachelor!" when asked about her favorite TV show. Keep your eyes peeled during the premiere and maybe you'll see some Bachelor Nation Secret Service members appear to escort her off-premises.
MOST LIKELY TO: Get Kicked Off The Show
DEFINING FEATURES: It's a good thing they stocked up on Laurens this time around, because a few of these Fourens (the Four Laurens) aren't well-suited at all for this show. This 26-year-old executive recruiter from Indiana says she doesn't believe in fairytales -- fetch me my smelling salts!! -- and fails to obediently chirp out, "The Bachelor!" when asked about her favorite TV show. Keep your eyes peeled during the premiere and maybe you'll see some Bachelor Nation Secret Service members appear to escort her off-premises.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Lauren J.
MOST LIKELY TO: Get Friend-Zoned
DEFINING FEATURES: If this show was about winning my heart, this 33-year-old Louisianan would take the contest, no question. She's a recent Masters graduate, so she's got the brains, says she doesn't play games when it comes to dating, so she's got her heart in the right place, and admits to draping a towel over her body and eating full meals in bed. That's what we call the full package, ladies and gentlemen. We can all pack it up and go home. Including Lauren J., who I'm assuming will intimidate the bejeezus out of Arie and get sent home almost immediately.
MOST LIKELY TO: Get Friend-Zoned
DEFINING FEATURES: If this show was about winning my heart, this 33-year-old Louisianan would take the contest, no question. She's a recent Masters graduate, so she's got the brains, says she doesn't play games when it comes to dating, so she's got her heart in the right place, and admits to draping a towel over her body and eating full meals in bed. That's what we call the full package, ladies and gentlemen. We can all pack it up and go home. Including Lauren J., who I'm assuming will intimidate the bejeezus out of Arie and get sent home almost immediately.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Lauren S.
MOST LIKELY TO: To Be Front Row In Your Soul Cycle Class
DEFINING FEATURES: She's a social media manager! She's from Texas! She uses the word "goals"! She loves avocados! And Taylor Swift! And Harry Potter! And Hamilton! She's the cookie cutter millennial from whose loins all the most basic ladies in your life sprung, so show some respect and get her a post-Soul Cycle PSL.
MOST LIKELY TO: To Be Front Row In Your Soul Cycle Class
DEFINING FEATURES: She's a social media manager! She's from Texas! She uses the word "goals"! She loves avocados! And Taylor Swift! And Harry Potter! And Hamilton! She's the cookie cutter millennial from whose loins all the most basic ladies in your life sprung, so show some respect and get her a post-Soul Cycle PSL.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Maquel
MOST LIKELY TO: To Become An #Influencer Post-Show
DEFINING FEATURES: Don't cry for this blond Utahan when she gets eliminated, because she's bound for much better things. For one thing, at 23, she's 13 years Arie's junior, so I'd be much more comfortable watching her find fame on the internet, where she belongs. She has a unique name, uses the word #hangry in her bio, and lists photography as her occupation. If that doesn't scream #InstagramInfluencer, then I don't know what does. Just get this girl a date with Robby Hayes and a bottle of SugarBear Hair gummies, and she'll be in business. (Surely you aren't expecting the FabFitFun boxes to sell themselves??)
MOST LIKELY TO: To Become An #Influencer Post-Show
DEFINING FEATURES: Don't cry for this blond Utahan when she gets eliminated, because she's bound for much better things. For one thing, at 23, she's 13 years Arie's junior, so I'd be much more comfortable watching her find fame on the internet, where she belongs. She has a unique name, uses the word #hangry in her bio, and lists photography as her occupation. If that doesn't scream #InstagramInfluencer, then I don't know what does. Just get this girl a date with Robby Hayes and a bottle of SugarBear Hair gummies, and she'll be in business. (Surely you aren't expecting the FabFitFun boxes to sell themselves??)
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Marikh
MOST LIKELY TO: To Be A Witch
DEFINING FEATURES: The 27-year-old Marikh lists herself a restaurant owner, but that might just be a side gig, because I feel confident that the Utahan is also a witch. She says her ideal hair color is silver, lists her favorite movies as Practical Magic and Beetlejuice, and says she enjoys being mysterious. Someone ask her what her favorite kitchen implement to cook with is -- if she says cauldron, you all owe me $20.
MOST LIKELY TO: To Be A Witch
DEFINING FEATURES: The 27-year-old Marikh lists herself a restaurant owner, but that might just be a side gig, because I feel confident that the Utahan is also a witch. She says her ideal hair color is silver, lists her favorite movies as Practical Magic and Beetlejuice, and says she enjoys being mysterious. Someone ask her what her favorite kitchen implement to cook with is -- if she says cauldron, you all owe me $20.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Nysha
MOST LIKELY TO: To Kick Arie In The Nuts
DEFINING FEATURES: There are some women on this list who will likely have stars in their eyes for Arie no matter what, but I don't think this 30-year-old orthopedic nurse from South Carolina is one of them. She's gone skydiving, so you know she's brave, and is completely over the online dating scene, so I can't imagine she'll have any patience if Arie is trying to play games. And her favorite fictional character? "Mulan. She pretended to be a man and went to war. How badass is that?" Is it too much to ask for Nysha to enter the competition in disguise as a man so that Arie will dish bro dirt to her and she can kick him in the nuts? Dare to dream.
MOST LIKELY TO: To Kick Arie In The Nuts
DEFINING FEATURES: There are some women on this list who will likely have stars in their eyes for Arie no matter what, but I don't think this 30-year-old orthopedic nurse from South Carolina is one of them. She's gone skydiving, so you know she's brave, and is completely over the online dating scene, so I can't imagine she'll have any patience if Arie is trying to play games. And her favorite fictional character? "Mulan. She pretended to be a man and went to war. How badass is that?" Is it too much to ask for Nysha to enter the competition in disguise as a man so that Arie will dish bro dirt to her and she can kick him in the nuts? Dare to dream.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Olivia
MOST LIKELY TO: To Cry In Her First One-On-One
DEFINING FEATURES: These ladies only get a few lines in their bios, and this marketing associate from Illinois already found a way to bring up the fact that her mom had her at a young age. At 23, she's also tied for the youngest contestant in the competition, so I'm anticipating tears early and often.
MOST LIKELY TO: To Cry In Her First One-On-One
DEFINING FEATURES: These ladies only get a few lines in their bios, and this marketing associate from Illinois already found a way to bring up the fact that her mom had her at a young age. At 23, she's also tied for the youngest contestant in the competition, so I'm anticipating tears early and often.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Seinne
MOST LIKELY TO: To Go On A Date Sans Makeup
DEFINING FEATURES: Most of the other women say a sexy, sleek animal when asked what they see themselves as, but not this Californian. The 27-year-old commercial real estate manager says she'd choose an elephant, because "they are incredibly intelligent, loyal, and just beautiful creatures." Hell yeah, dude. She also seems super down-to-earth and unconcerned with material possessions -- she says if she won the lottery she'd buy her family members their dream homes and then do philanthropic work -- so it sounds like Seinne knows who she is and has her head screwed on straight.
MOST LIKELY TO: To Go On A Date Sans Makeup
DEFINING FEATURES: Most of the other women say a sexy, sleek animal when asked what they see themselves as, but not this Californian. The 27-year-old commercial real estate manager says she'd choose an elephant, because "they are incredibly intelligent, loyal, and just beautiful creatures." Hell yeah, dude. She also seems super down-to-earth and unconcerned with material possessions -- she says if she won the lottery she'd buy her family members their dream homes and then do philanthropic work -- so it sounds like Seinne knows who she is and has her head screwed on straight.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Tia
MOST LIKELY TO: To Be An Android Wearing A Skin Suit
DEFINING FEATURES: Do not attempt to adjust your set. Tia is certainly a human female, standing five feet and six inches tall. She is a physical therapist hailing from Arizona, and has interests befitting a human and not a robot. Like all humans, she loves her family, and has some of her favorite words tattooed on her skin: "Peace," "Patience," and "Mama & Papa." If she could go anywhere in the country, she would choose Chicago, because, in her words, "I want to eat everything there!" Even the bridges. The best trip she's ever had was "Cancun to a random swingers resort," because like all humans, one of her favorite hobbies is sexual intercourse. She also enjoys the TV show Shark Tank, although regrettably, she cannot explain why.
MOST LIKELY TO: To Be An Android Wearing A Skin Suit
DEFINING FEATURES: Do not attempt to adjust your set. Tia is certainly a human female, standing five feet and six inches tall. She is a physical therapist hailing from Arizona, and has interests befitting a human and not a robot. Like all humans, she loves her family, and has some of her favorite words tattooed on her skin: "Peace," "Patience," and "Mama & Papa." If she could go anywhere in the country, she would choose Chicago, because, in her words, "I want to eat everything there!" Even the bridges. The best trip she's ever had was "Cancun to a random swingers resort," because like all humans, one of her favorite hobbies is sexual intercourse. She also enjoys the TV show Shark Tank, although regrettably, she cannot explain why.
Photo: ABC
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NAME: Valerie
MOST LIKELY TO: To Be The Quirky Lead In A Romcom
DEFINING FEATURES: This 25-year-old server from Tennessee has over 50 Halloween costumes in her closet at this very moment, fears being eaten by some sort of deep ocean creature, and can't cook. Does anyone know if Zooey Deschanel is available to play her in the movie version?
MOST LIKELY TO: To Be The Quirky Lead In A Romcom
DEFINING FEATURES: This 25-year-old server from Tennessee has over 50 Halloween costumes in her closet at this very moment, fears being eaten by some sort of deep ocean creature, and can't cook. Does anyone know if Zooey Deschanel is available to play her in the movie version?
Photo: ABC
