‘Outlander’ Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Worst. Dinner. Party. Ever!

When last we left our favorite time traveling couple on Outlander, Jamie (Sam Heughan) was excited to discover that the Duke of Sandringham (played by that fun guy from Four Weddings and a Funeral) was funneling money in Bonnie Prince Charlie’s rebellion. At last, they could formulate a plan! Claire (Caitriona Balfe), however, was struggling with the knowledge that the Duke of Sandringham was a dick and a booby and apt to tell Jamie that Black Jack Randall (Tobias Menzies) was still alive. Such a revelation would surely send her darling Jamie over the edge!

So what’s going to happen next?

CLAIRE GETS POISONED! PRESUMABLY BY LE COMTE DU ST. GERMAINE (AKA THE COUNT DU ELDERBERRY LIQUEUR!)

Well, according to her she didn’t get “poisoned.” She drank some non-poisonous herb that starts a miscarriage. But she has not miscarried! Jamie carries her off and at home she drinks marshmallow tea to get better.

While Claire is convalescing, Jamie proposes the idea that they hold a dinner party for all their friends and foes. It will be the perfect place to cause drama and stop the rebellion! It will be just like the movie Clue, but without a dead body. OR WILL THERE BE A DEAD BODY?

Claire decides this is the perfect moment to tell dear Jamie that his rapist is alive and well and probably in a mansion somewhere playing with knives and hanging out with bats and cackling about some evil plan to hurt kittens. Claire braces herself for the worst. Jamie is totally…uh…happy about this. It’s filled him with glee and hope that one day he can stand over Black Jack’s body and laugh while the asshole dies. Yay?

As soon as Claire is better, she confronts her creepy poison-selling friend. She asks him, “Did you sell poison to the Count du Elderberry Liqueur!” And he’s like…”IDK, I’m a creepy poison-selling rascal. What do I know? I’m such a weirdo. Want to see my secret room for secret telling?” Claire’s like, “Sure.”

Claire’s imp friend likes to perform magic tricks with items of cultural appropriation and zebra hides. He’s like, “Want me to do some future-telling for you?” Claire’s all for playing bone yahtzee to find out how her “friend” Sweet Frank is doing. Claire is not thrilled, however, to discover that she will see Sweet Frank again.

He gives her a magic poison-detecting necklace and sends her on her way. So normal!

Later that night, Jamie comes to Claire’s bed, feeling all hot and randy. We know this because we get to see his butt for the first time since season one.

However, all is not well with Jamie’s loins. Even though the news of Black Jack’s resurrection has filled him with hope, it’s also filled him with lust. We don’t know exactly what he did with a French whore, but we know that she bit his thigh. I think that means he doesn’t have 1740s AIDS, but he does have 21st century rabies. This sends Claire, who is hormonal (and who apparently knows what “69-ing” is), over the edge.

Claire and Jamie have a knockdown drag out fight about who is lonelier and in more pain. It’s very French, so I guess that means the scenery is agreeing with them. Ultimately, Jamie wins this fight because he was butt-raped and that’s pretty tough to beat. So how do Claire and Jamie resolve their issues? By boning in the moonlight. (My favorite King Harvest B-Side.)

After this wonderful return to strange normalcy, Bonnie Prince Charlie bursts in through a window.

The famous historical figure had a row with his pregnant married missus, Louise (aka Claire’s sex-crazed friend). Jamie and Claire think their extra-marital tryst makes total sense because both Charlie and Louise are dreamers. All I know about either is that Charlie likes to hang out in brothels and Louise likes to wax her pubic hair. I suppose that is foundation enough for true love.

Jamie and Claire decide to use their friends’ romantic turmoil to their strategic advantage. They are going to expose their affair at the big dinner party and ruin everything for their only friends in Paris. “Are we bad people?” Claire pouts. Jamie says, “The way I see it, we’re doing a bad thing for a good reason.” They’re bad people, but they’re our bad people so we love them.

On the day of the grand dinner party from Hell, something blows up, so Claire is obliged to work at the hospital. Here, amongst the lard of humans and blood of spleens, is she happy and at peace. However, their carriage is messed up and so she, Murtagh, Mary, et al, have to walk (WALK!) back home. Mary reveals that she’s fallen in love with someone named Randall. Claire is like, “RANDALL?” And Mary is all, “What? Can’t you see this plot twist a mile a way? I’m clearly in love with his sweet nerdy brother!”

And then they are attacked in the street and Mary is immediately raped. Like it takes 5 seconds. Why? Because this is Outlander and all women must be raped? Claire does not get raped because her assailants recognize her as “La Dame Blanche!” and run away. We’re all confused, too.

Back to the dinner party: This is the worst dinner party ever. No, I mean that. It’s even worse than The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills‘ infamous “Dinner Party From Hell” with Alison DuBois and the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick. Not only has everyone in the world been invited, but everyone either secretly loves each other or is not-so-secretly planning to murder one another. It’s a tense crowd and Lisa Vanderpump isn’t there to smooth things over with a well-timed eye roll.

Oh, and everyone’s solution for what to do with Mary is to keep her sequestered and drugged up in a room with the boy she likes. That’s exactly what a rape victim needs: to be left alone in a strange place with a person with a penis. The good news is young Alexander Randall is the opposite of his brother and he wants to take care of Mary like she is a sweet unicorn. Unfortunately, like I said, Mary is drugged up. So, when she comes to, she immediately thinks the man in her room is a rapist and freaks out. She runs into the parlor and thrashes about. Alex tries to calm her down and that makes her scream more. Everyone comes in and thinks Alex is raping Mary.

Naturally, everything explodes into a slow-motion brawl.

Well, that’s it! That was this episode of Outlander. Claire and Jamie are great at boning, they are terrible at throwing dinner parties and changing history.

[Watch Outlander on Starz]